I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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