She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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