Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
