My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
