There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
