Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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