It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He shit in the fireplace
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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