every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
