dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
