I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
