You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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