So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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