So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
