That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
