Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
