im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
