you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
