The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
