He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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