Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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