Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Boobs speak an international language.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
