you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
