How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
