so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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