the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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