I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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