you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
