first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
