I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
