I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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