I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
