I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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