Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
