The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
