Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
