just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's rum buckets o'clock
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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