**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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