Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
