I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sobbing to NWA
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
