Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
