somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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