If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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