I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
