My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
