I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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