I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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