how can u be prego again
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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