You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Text me some of your sweat
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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