the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it glows. i had to have it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
