I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
